A Disconnect

The more I exert my willpower, the greater the unrest churns and swirls within me, until I become the storm myself. I am faced with great resistance and forces of paralysis. I find myself growing impatient as the timing imposed upon me squeezes me to the bone. 

My heart lashes out, but I squeeze my hands together, and my body merely goes rigid, and my usual reserved face deepens into a frown. I grow still and my mind is at war. 

I have to come to terms with the expectations I have for myself and the expectations of the should’s and must have’s set by society and people that aren’t satisfied with what I do.  

But I myself am quite uncertain about who I am. 

I think the most continuous problem is my feeling of inadequacy in comparison to others who are mature, outwardly successful, and mentally stable enough to soldier through intense competition for the coveted spots of superiority. 

But I’m everything they’re not. And they’re everything I’m not. 

I get stifled and my spirit breaks under survivalist, ego-based competition. I drown in my seas of sensitivity and cannot fathom how callous the world can be. I do not want to live a life pitted against others for survival and earning acceptance by those in control. That way of life was imposed on me, and I felt paralyzed by bottomless caverns of despair, loss of myself, and bleakness. 

What is the point if I will be forgotten in the end? 

I am a simple artist.  I prefer self-reflection over competition. I prefer honesty of emotions over fake happiness. And I most definitely prefer creating what I love over being used as a means to an end.

What if I wrote all that was in my heart and held nothing back and showed no shame? What if I rested and let all anxious feelings flee from me? What if I did things that came naturally, instead of forcing myself to do something for the sake of approval? 

I don’t know. I’m thinking too much about this. I tend to overthink everything. 

 I find a disconnect between who I was conditioned to be and who I really am. 

But it’s okay. I am who I am and just need to let go of what I think I should be.  

And just be.